


you're here (that's all i need to know)

by gaygerwigs



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Boys In Love, Cuddling & Snuggling, Insecurity, Kissing, M/M, Neck Kissing, Suicide Attempt, Valentine's Day, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-01
Updated: 2015-02-01
Packaged: 2018-03-10 01:37:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3271955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaygerwigs/pseuds/gaygerwigs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He was afraid of Ian. He had always been afraid of him. The Ian who had somehow managed to get under his skin and made him feel like there was an actual place for him. That he wasn’t the worst possible thing in the world. The Ian who he had come out for, something he thought he would never do. The Ian who made him have all this feelings which he was still learning to express.</p>
<p>But with all that, he was also afraid for Ian, who had to be the one to inherit Monica’s bad genes. He was afraid that Ian would do what he did before and that Mickey would not be there to help him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you're here (that's all i need to know)

**Author's Note:**

> Well, this started as a Valentine's Day drabble and it turned into this.
> 
> This is dedicated to the lovely Catalina (gipsea.tumblr.com). I love you so much. Hope you enjoy lots. (Sorry, there's no Chuckie. I know you stan him so hard, but what can you do?)

“No,” Mickey said, shaking his head fervently. “No way, Mandy.”

“Hey, it’d be a surprise.” Mandy responded.

“I’m not gonna buy him a fucking penis sock. Where did you even get that idea?” Mickey asked.

“On the internet. I just searched ‘insane valentine’s gifts’. It seemed fitting.” Mandy said, typing on the computer. She turned it around, to face Mickey, and a picture of said gift was on screen.

“Mand- for fuck’s sake- stop,” Mickey said, trying to turn the computer back. “It’s not gonna happen.”

Mickey stood up from the chair and walked into the kitchen. He opened the fridge and took out some orange juice. He walked into his bedroom, where Ian was still sleeping and looked for Ian’s pills. When he found them, he walked to the bed, with a handful of pills, and got on it. He made sure to put the orange juice next to the bed. He didn’t want to go to sleep smelling oranges all night.

“Hey.” he whispered into Ian’s ear.

Ian grumbled in response.

“Wake up, sleepy-head. You have a busy day today." Mickey said, laughter in his voice.

"Fi' mo' 'nutes." Ian murmured.

"Come on. I got your stuff and everything." Mickey said, kicking him lightly in the side.

Ian sighed deeply, but finally sat up. 

"I should eat first."

"Oh, right."

"Give them to me." Mickey handed them over, "I'm eating soon, anyway." 

Ian swallowed down the pills with the orange juice and stood up. 

"Mandy made pancakes."

"Mmm, pancakes." Ian said, walking out of the room.

Mickey looked at his retreating form. He closed his eyes for a few seconds and breathed heavily.

"Mickey! Come sit with me and Lana." Ian yelled out.

Without even noticing, a smile was tugging at lips. He had really missed Ian the past month.

 

~•~

 

"Get dressed. Fiona’s gonna be here at any minute.” Mickey said.

Ian looked at him. They were sitting side by side on Mickey’s bed. Ian had been mindlessly leafing through a magazine while Mickey just stared at the ceiling.

Ian nodded and stood up, picking up some jogging clothes while he walked. Mickey stared after him and started leaning down, letting himself be swallowed by the bed. He closed his eyes. Maybe he’d be able to sleep. He thought he might have managed it but when he was on the brink of sleep, memories clouded his brain. He sat up quickly and ran a hand through his face.

So, this is his life now. Afraid of sleep. Afraid of reliving that night.

 

~•~

 

It was the evening now and Mickey was feeling anxious. His leg was bouncing up and down, the hand that held his cigarette was shaking violently, and he couldn’t take his mind off a single event. 

Fuck, he thought.

“When’s Ian coming back?” Mandy appeared behind him.

“Fu-shit. Mandy, warn a guy, would you?” Mickey said, dropping the cigarette and stepping on it.

“Sorry.” She answered, clearly not sorry.

“Yeah. Ian’s gonna have dinner with his siblings. Lip’s back from college. Wanted to see him. I’m gonna drop by later. You’re welcome to come.” Mickey responded.

“Lip’s back? No thanks. I’ll stay here and help Svetlana.” At that exact moment, Mickey heard Svetlana call out for him. He groaned.

“Speak of the devil.” he muttered. He entered Svetlana’s room. “Yes?”

“Tomorrow you watch baby.” She said.

“I have work.”

“Take free day. I have errands to run. Baby cannot be there. You watch him. Final.” Svetlana said and turned away.

Mickey rolled his eyes and started walking away.

“I’m headed to the Gallagher’s later. Want me to bring you dinner?”

Svetlana turned around again and looked at him surprised, “Sure.”

 

~•~

 

He had just entered the Gallagher house. All he could hear was noise. This didn’t surprise him. The house was always like his. Chaos. Different kinds, though. While here everything was so loud, you could hear it by the L, in Mickey’s house it was quiet chaos. More so when Terry still lived there.

Mickey shuddered at the thought of Terry and walked into the kitchen.

“Mick, hi!” Ian yelled. Mickey nodded at him and waved at the other siblings. 

It doesn’t matter how long he has been with Ian, all the shit they have had to go through, he always felt awkward around the other Gallaghers.

A row of ‘Hey, Mickey’s passed around and he sat down next to Ian. 

“Have fun?” Mickey asked, his voice low.

“Yeah. It was great!” Ian exclaimed.

Mickey smiled.

“I’ll get you a plate.” Debbie said.

“No, I’m not hungry.”

“Oh. Would Svetlana want some? I could send her some spaghetti.” Debbie asked.

“Yeah. That’d be great.” Mickey responded.

Debbie smiled at him and picked up a plate.

“Better bring that plate back.” Fiona said.

“No worries. I’ll remind him.” Ian responded.

“That’s what you said the last eight times.” Fiona said, standing up.

“So, Mickey.” Lip said.

“What?” Mickey responded.

“Valentine’s day is in a few days.”

“So?”

“Anything planned?” 

“Lip.” Ian said.

“Huh?” Lip responded.

“Fuck off.” Ian responded, flipping him off. Ian stood up.

“What he said.” Mickey said, standing alongside him.

“It’s getting late. We should go.”

“Mickey just got here.” Carl said.

“He has to work tomorrow.” Ian replied. “Bye. Love you, guys.”

 

~•~

 

Mickey woke up with a gasp. He looked around for the clock and saw it was only 2;17 a.m.

Great, Mickey thought.

His breath was labored and he was sweating badly. He hadn’t been able to sleep in a month or so. Ever since Ian first got admitted to the hospital. The first week he didn’t even bother going to bed. He couldn’t even make himself walk into the room. At one point, Mandy had gotten so worried that she had sneaked in sleeping pills in the first meal he had agreed to eat. He had been angry at the moment, but he understood why she had done it. It did no good, him laying around the house like a statue. The next few weeks he was able to sleep, if just for a few hours. Hey, at least it was something.

He stared at Ian’s sleeping figure. He focused on the rising and falling of his chest. The indicator that he was still breathing. That thought calmed him, something he hadn’t felt in a while. 

He hadn’t noticed when it started, but his hand was stroking Ian’s hair. Ian leaned into the touch and he made a whining sound. Mickey thought he might have woken him up, but Ian just resumed sleeping silently.

Mickey’s gaze went over Ian’s body. He noticed that he had a new bruise on his knee, but everything else was the same. He still had the constellation of freckles on his back. Mickey remembers spending hours trying to count each one, in a discreet way, of course. He still had that ridiculous tattoo he gotten when he left at the wake of his marriage to Svetlana. Yes, everything was still there. Even the scars. 

When his eyes fell on Ian’s wrists, he flinched. He still wasn’t used to them. He wasn’t sure if there will ever be a time where he will be used to them. Besides, all the bad memories those scars brought, it also reminded him of a fact that he had been ignoring since the beginning of their relationship.

He was afraid of Ian. He had always been afraid of him. The Ian who had somehow managed to get under his skin and made him feel like there was an actual place for him. That he wasn’t the worst possible thing in the world. The Ian who he had come out for, something he thought he would never do. The Ian who made him have all this feelings which he was still learning to express.

But with all that, he was also afraid for Ian, who had to be the one to inherit Monica’s bad genes. He was afraid that Ian would do what he did before and that Mickey would not be there to help him.

Mickey shook his head. It was too fucking late for him to be thinking about this shit. He stood up and walked out of his room. The first thing he saw was Lip walking past him, hurrying to leave the house.

“What the fuck?” He muttered.

Mickey stood outside Mandy’s room. Her bedroom door was ajar and he leaned his head in to see Mandy sitting down on her bed, she was shirtless and wiping away tears. She sniffled and ran a hand through her hair.

Mickey thought of going in. If he was a better brother - if he were a better person - he would have. He would have gone in there and talk to her, comfort her, tell her she was the best person he knew (definitely the best Milkovich out there), but Mickey never considered himself anything other than an okay person, so he just kept walking.

 

~•~

 

Mickey was lying on his side, his back against Ian’s chest, when Ian woke up. Ian smiled and buried his nose into Mickey’s neck. Mickey squirmed in return.

“Hey.” Ian whispered in Mickey’s ear, his voice groggy and full of sleep.

“Hi.” Mickey replied, barely turning his head.

“So, what’s on today’s agenda?” Ian asked, tightening his grip on Mickey.

“I’m staying home from work.” Mickey responded, pushing Ian back playfully.

“Oh really?”

“Ease up, sailor. I have to watch the kid.” Mickey said, standing up from the bed. He picked up a shirt from the floor.

“Oh.” Ian said, crossing his arms around his chest. “You don’t have to miss work for that. I can watch Yev.”

Mickey looked at Ian from his shoulder. He knew Svetlana would hang him if he left the baby alone with Ian after what had happened months ago. He mustered a smile and turned around.

“No, it’s okay. This way I get to spend some time with you too.” Mickey said, giving Ian a peck on the neck. “Well, I better get out there before Svetlana barges in threatening to cut our balls off and make a necklace out of them.”

Ian stayed in the bed after Mickey left the room. He knew Mickey wasn’t staying completely for him. He had to find a way to prove to not only Mickey, but all the residents of the Milkovich house that he was better now.

 

~•~

Ian was bouncing Yev on his lap when Mickey asked him a question he wasn’t expecting.

“Excuse me?”

“I said, do you want to do something for Valentine’s Day?” Mickey repeated, looking terrified.

Ian couldn’t control the laugh that escaped his lips.

“Fine okay, asswipe.” Mickey said, standing up from the couch.

“No wait,” Ian started, grabbing for Mickey. “Sorry, it was just unexpected. Didn’t really think you cared about Valentine’s Day.”

“Don’t. Just thought maybe you’d want to do something.” Mickey said, avoiding his eyes.

“Maybe we can just stay in. Watch a movie. Eat some pizza bagels.” Ian said, smiling lightly.

Mickey tried to suppress a smile, but ended up failing. He grabbed Ian’s hand in his. “Okay. Anything you want.”

“You know what I would really like right now?” Ian said, leaning in, his voice low.

Mickey swallowed, “What?”

“A diaper.”

“Huh?”

“Yev just shat himself.”

“Fuck’s sake.”

Ian laughed at Mickey’s annoyed tone.

 

~•~

 

Mickey threw himself on his bed. Ian leaned on the closed door.

“That kid has too much fucking energy. What are we fucking feeding him?” Mickey complained while Ian watched him amused.

“Let me tell you something. After taking care of Debbie as a baby, everything else is a walk in the park.” Ian said.

“Debbie?” Mickey asked, confused.

“I know. You’d probably think Carl was the most difficult baby, but no. He was just like Liam.” Ian replied, finally joining Mickey in bed.

“Wow.” 

“Wow, indeed.” Ian said, biting his lip.

Mickey was lying shirtless on the bed with his eyes closed. He looked so good like that. Ian couldn’t resist. 

Mickey yelped when Ian started sucking on his neck.

“I-Ian.”

Ian moaned in response. He had started kissing down Mickey’s body.

“Not now. I’m exhausted.” Mickey said.

Ian stopped in his endeavor, his lips on Mickey’s torso.

“Another day?” Mickey said, looking at the ceiling.

Ian pulled back immediately. “Sure. I’m actually pretty tired too. Goodnight.” 

Ian lied on his side, looking at the wall instead of Mickey. This is how it had been ever since he came back. He tried to initiate anything with Mickey other than hand-holding and Mickey would completely shut him down, selling him the promise of another day. It wasn’t only with Mickey that things had changed. His family, Mandy, Svetlana, everyone, treated him like a child. As if he was made of crystal and would be destroyed with the first push. He felt like grabbing everyone and shaking them, screaming that he would not break easily. 

He felt Mickey move toward him.

“Ian?” he whispered.

Ian said nothing.

 

~•~

 

Ian was washing the dishes, looking at the distance when Mickey trotted into the kitchen.

“Morning.” Mickey grumbled.

Ian nodded in response. He was still thinking about last night, about Mickey’s complete rejection. Could it be possible that Mickey wasn’t attracted to him anymore? Could it be possible Mickey didn’t love him anymore?

Mickey had never said the l word, but Ian had been sure for so long that Mickey loved him. Now, he wasn’t so sure. 

“Hey.” Ian turned around, “You okay?”

“Of course, yeah.” Ian said, pulling a smile before turning around. He didn’t want Mickey to worry. He had already been too much of a bother.

Ian remembered how Mickey looked when he found him on the floor, the same position Monica had been in years ago (different place, same event). He remembered the desperation in Mickey’s eyes, the way his voice broke when he started yelling for Mandy. He remembered Mickey calling the hospital, stumbling on his words, not knowing what to say.

Had that been the final blow? Had he finally push too far?

 

~•~

 

Ian was coming back to the Milkovich house with Lip on his side. Lip had gotten blackout drunk that day and Ian had been the only with him, so he was stuck with taking care of Lip.

“I’m home.” Ian said loudly.

“Why the fuck is Lip here?” Mickey asked from the couch.

“He’s drunk. Ignore him.” Ian said, throwing Lip next to Mickey. Lip grunted but didn’t move an inch.

Ian looked at Mickey. He was wearing his ridiculous smelly slippers, his boxers and a grey shirt. Most importantly, he was wearing the sweater Ian had left in Mickey’s room so long ago. 

“Remember when that used to belong to me?” Ian said, teasingly.

“Fuck off.”

Ian laughed. 

“Come on.” Ian beckoned his head into the direction of Mickey’s bedroom. Mickey followed him.

“What?” Mickey asked when Ian closed the door.

“Lie next to me.” 

“Why?”

“Just fucking do it.” Ian said, patting Mickey’s side of the bed. Mickey rolled his eyes, but sat down next to Ian. Ian kept looking at Mickey, until he sighed and finally lied down. Ian smiled brightly and gave him a peck in the cheek.

“What now?” Mickey asked.

“Remember when we first got together?” Ian said. “I was crazy about you even then.” 

“I knew it.”

“Fuck you. No you didn’t. I bet you spent most of your days laying around the house, doodling my name, wondering if I liked you.” Ian said, dramatically.

“You know me so well.” Mickey replied, shaking his head.

“Did you ever think we would get here?”

Mickey stared into Ian’s eyes. 

“No.”

“Me neither.” Ian agreed.

They laid in silence for a few minutes.

“I’m glad.”

“What?”

“I’m glad that we got here. I’ve never been happier than now.” Mickey said. 

Ian swallowed. He still got shocked every time Mickey opened up like that. After years of trying to get Mickey to be honest about his feelings, this was heaven. Ian couldn’t help himself. 

Before Mickey could even realize what was happening, Ian had gotten on top of him and leaned down to kiss him. Mickey’s eyes closed in instinct. He couldn’t help but give in. He put his arm around Ian’s shoulders and pulled him further down. Ian moaned into his mouth and rocked his hips against Mickey’s. Mickey’s eyes flew open and he pulled back. Ian tried to kiss him again, but Mickey wouldn’t let him. Ian got off him and stood up. He stared at Mickey before leaving the room, slamming the door behind him. 

Mickey ran after him, “Ian.”

“What’s your problem?” Ian screamed at him. Mickey noticed Lip’s head poking up from the couch.

“What?”

“Are you not attracted to me anymore?” Ian asked.

“What?”

“Stop saying that!” Ian exclaimed.

“I’m just- What makes you think that?” Mickey asked, furrowing his eyebrows.

“I don’t know. Hmh, maybe the fact that the closest thing we have gotten to sex in the past few days has been holding hands.” Ian said, crossing his arms around his chest.

“Damn. Must have been some erotic hand holding.”

“Hey, Lip. Butt the fuck out.” Ian screamed at him. Lip threw his arms on the air.

“Ian, I don’t know what you want me to say. I’m giving you some space.” Mickey said.

“I don’t need space. I need my boyfriend to not treat me with kiddy-gloves.” Ian said.

“It’s not- You’re not- We can’t have sex yet.” Mickey said, shaking his head.

“Why not?” 

“Why not? You just got out of a hospital. You need some time.” Mickey said.  
“I don’t need time. I’m ready. You’re the one who’s not ready.” Ian said, poking Mickey on the chest. 

“Ian-”

“And I want to know why.” Ian continued.

“You want to know why?” Mickey asked, his voice rising. “We’re not having sex because I can’t get there right now, okay? I’m supposed to be taking care of you. Not fucking you all over the place.”

Ian laughed without humor, shaking his head. “You don’t have to do anything.” 

Ian walked over to the couch. “Come on, Lip. Get up.”

“What are you doing?” Mickey asked.

“Leaving. I can’t be here.” Ian said, pulling Lip on his feet.

“Ian, come on.” Mickey said, softly.

“No. I wouldn’t want to be a bother.” Ian said before walking away.

Mickey squeezed the bridge of his nose when he heard the door slam. He kicked the table and ran a hand through his hair. “Fuck.”

 

~•~

 

When Mandy entered her house, the first thing she saw was her brother slumped on the couch. His eyes were red and stuffy, like if he had been crying. He was smoking and drinking beer.

"Where's Ian?" She asked.

"Gone."

"What? Gone where?" She exclaimed.

"I dunno. Probably the Gallagher house." 

“What? Why?” Mandy asked.

“Got angry with me.” Mickey said, taking a drag from his cigarette.

“What did you do?” Mandy asked.

“Why do you think it’s my fault?”

“Sorry.” Mandy said, sitting down next to Mandy. “So, what happened?”

“I’m not having sex with him.”

“Why not?”

Mickey shrugged and grabbed his beer. Mandy took it out of his hand and slammed it on the table.

“What the fuck? Can’t someone get drunk in their own house in fucking peace?” Mickey said.

“What are you gonna do?”

Mickey shrugged again.

“Fuck’s sake, Mickey.”

“We’ll fix it when we fix it, Mandy.”

“But-”

“Enough. I have something I want to talk to you about.”

“What?”

“Lip.”

“What about him?” Mandy asked.

“Don’t act stupid. I saw him leaving your room the other day.” Mickey said, “Please tell me you’re not gonna start up with that again.”

“I slept with him.”

“No shit.”

“But no. He’s still with someone from college.”

“Good.”

“What? How is that good?”

“Lip’s a fucking asshole.” Mickey said. “And you deserve better.”

“No. I don’t.”

“You do. You deserve the world and Lip’s just a fucking fleck of dust.”

Mandy stared at her brother, her eyes watering. She leaned in and kissed his cheek. 

“Douchebag.” She said burying her head in his shoulder.

“Fuckface.”

 

~•~

 

It was five in the morning and Mandy was walking to the Gallagher house. Mickey had been too sad yesterday. She felt like she had to something.

She entered through the backdoor and saw Fiona making breakfast. 

“Mandy? A bit early for visits, don’t you think?” Fiona asked,

“Sorry. Is Ian here?” Mandy asked, pulling her coat tighter.

“Yeah, he’s sleeping.”

“Thanks.” Mandy said, already going up the stairs. She entered the boys’ room and saw Ian in his old bed. She kicked his leg.

“Get out of bed.”

“Mandy?” Ian asked, confused.

“Get up. You’re coming home.”

“Did Mickey send you?” Ian asked, sitting up. 

“No, but you still need to talk this out.” Mandy said.  
“Why?”

“Why? Because you guys need to stop running when things get tough. Because you two love each other and you shouldn’t let this stupid thing get in the way. SO, you’re gonna get up, put some clothes on and you’re gonna talk to your fucking boyfriend and spend Valentine’s day together.” Mandy said, crossing her arms around her chest.

Ian sighed, “Give me five minutes.”

Mandy smiled and walked out the room.

~•~

 

Mickey felt something move next to him.

“Mandy, I’m not in the mood.” He said, not opening his eyes.

“I’m not Mandy.” Mickey’s eyes opened at Ian’s voice. He turns around quickly to see Ian smiling down at him.

“Hi.” Mickey says lamely.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok-”

“No, it’s not. It’s just that I’m- I’m- I convinced myself that because we weren’t having sex that you had grown bored of me and didn’t want me anymore. That maybe you were sticking around because you felt like you had to and then yesterday-”

“Hey, hey. When I said that I had to take care of you, that’s not what I meant. I wanna take care of you. Not only because it’s my fault, but because I love you.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“Yes, it is. If I hadn’t been such a dick, you wouldn’t have left to the army and you would have been here with your family when you first crashed. None of this would have happened.” Mickey said.

Ian grabbed Mickey’s hand and kissed his knuckles. “It’s not your fault. By that point, I was already in a really bad place. It’s not your fault.” 

Mickey nodded, but Ian could tell that Mickey didn’t believe him.

“And hey,” Ian nudged his shoulder. “I love you too.”

Mickey sat up and inched closer to Ian. Their lips met in the middle. Ian’s hands delved into Mickey’s hair while Mickey’s arms wrapped around Ian. Mickey pulled Ian on top of him and softly bit his lip.

After some time, Ian pulled away and lied back down on his side. Mickey moved closer, holding him. Ian kissed his cheek and closed his eyes.

“Hey, Mick.”

“Yeah.”

“Happy Valentine’s Day.” Ian said smiling.

“Happy Valentine’s Day.” Mickey said back.

“I bought you a present. Mandy showed me this thing on the internet and I had to buy it.”

“Please tell me it’s not the dick sock.” Mickey said burying his head into the mattress.

“Sorry.” Ian said laughing.

“Jesus. You’re so lame. Why do I even like you?”

“My dashing looks and my great sense of humor.” Ian said.

“I take it back. I hate you.” Mickey said smiling.

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah. Hope you guys enjoyed it. I know it's a bit mediocre. I jus got back into writing. Anyway, I hope to post another thing in the month of February so look out for it if you want. I'm really bad at this.
> 
> The title is due to me listening to 'A Little Fall of Rain' in repeat the past week. 
> 
> amaritudos.tumblr.com
> 
> twitter.com/mckeymilkovich


End file.
